Where are you?

It felt like forever since I wrote something here.

Life's been a bitch. I don't know what to share here anymore. I felt lifeless and miserable.

I don't know if its karma that hit me or its just a phase that everyone will go through but I know this is seriously one of the hardest phase I have been through.
Its been the toughest months and the days felt so long especially when I'm eager for the things that I want to happen. Obviously it didn't.

I was told that I'm living in an imaginary life.... and in denial. As much as it hurts, at the moment I feel comfortable being this way. I avoid talking about it, avoid mentioning about it, avoid answering questions about it and avoid myself from accepting the fact.

I just don't want to accept certain things yet. The truth is always ugly. I am not strong enough to face it yet. I am still looking for the courage. And I'm definitely learning. Learning how to love myself more and learn how to handle things correctly.
A gentle reminder that I always hear, I would like to share: Putting someone before yourself all the time is wrong.

Well of course, when there are downs, there are sure to be ups to compliment each other.

I just got back from Gold Coast. It was really a good trip, an escape for me to be precise to keep myself away from all the shit that I never welcomed.

A sneak peek from my trip :) More to come soon on facebook!

I've gained so much fats during this holiday. Mom is always cooking good stuff for dinner. But I don't blame her for that. I blame the weather for always raining in the evening! I couldn't do my jogging routine like how I used to back in uni.

Note to self: Work out at least three times a week! By hook or crook baby!

Semester is commencing next Monday. Hopefully it'll be a good one for us. Boy, time flies! I'm in senior year soon! It didn't feel like I've been there for two years at all. My first year memories are still so vivid! God I miss the lifestyle in uni. So much freedom and yet it takes so much of discipline to achieve the things that I want. Its really a good disciplinary practice. I can't wait to go back uni. I feel grown up there. And life is so colourful there. LOL. I totally didn't mean that I can't wait to grow up and get old. I just like the freedom I get and make decisions on my own in a lot of things that I do.

I know it's gonna be a challenging semester for me. I have new commitments and a lot of near future goals that I want to achieve. I pray hard everything will go smooth sailing and I'll be strong enough to go through whatever that may be an obstacle for me.

I'm gonna party hard and work even harder! :)

Holding On

Weak.

Slow.

Quiet.

Insomnia.

Scars.

Unproductive.

Unwanted.

Not needed.

Fake smiles.

Depression.

Helpless.

Distraught.

Unmotivated.

They all come with a face stained by tears all the time.

Faith

I woke up without using the alarm clock today! It feel so good to sleep all I want until I've had enough but life doesn't allow me to do that everyday.

The moment I woke up I could smell the strong aroma of a baking cake I thought someone put a cake on my face =.='

Well....its not. It was actually my lady landlord who was baking cupcakes! She gave me some of the freshly baked cupcakes. How sweet of her :D

Freshly baked cupcakes for breakfast is totally awesome ok!

You know..

A lot of times I wish that a day will have 36 hours instead of 24. I wish time passes slower..

But for this point of time..I wish time passes faster. This month..is gonna be a horrible month for me :(

I just pray very very hard that things will be fine...and things will go back the same way how it used to be. I don't want to be in this situation now.

Losing something important is not a good feeling at all. I can't bear something so important to me to just walk off and leave. What am I gonna do?

I've put my very best.

I flew this bird away out of respect.

I just wish..this bird will come back to my arms someday when it is tired of flying.

That's what I'm asking for only.

I don't want anything more.

I want to hear those words again.

Only from you.

Please don't break this little heart of mine.

Just so you know..I took this picture when I was sad. I faked that smile.

Sick

I posted a new post yesterday and its gone. I'm very sure I published it but its really gone now. What happened?

Sigh. I had one of the worst days ever. I was fuck emotional the whole day.

So emotional that I felt like breaking down every single minute =/

But I couldn't when I was out and was working. Now that I'm alone...I just can't help it T.T

I have too many passive people around me which is really sad. I love to be around enthusiastic people and bubbly people who loves to talk as much as I do and like to share things. But when people around you are passive in a sense that they are close to you, but refuse to take part in things that you want to do with them together and are always closing ears to open conversations or folding arms to avoid becoming the one to initiate. Its really irritating and when that happens their sincerity becomes really ironic when they say "Lets do this or that" or "I wanna do this or that" but those are merely just words without meanings and are virtual wills. I don't like that!

I'm sick of being the backbone and I'm sick of initiating every time. I'm tired of being aggressive all the time.

Things have changed but I am living in denial. Why?

Now it seems that I am asking too much..I talk too much..I am more defensive..I am naggy whiny and a joy killer. Why it has become like this? and why when I am like this the listener often shut ears and walk off.

I'm no more the priority.

I'm no more the reason of everything that happens.

I'm no more the shoulder to lie on.

I'm no more the comfort zone...isn't it?

I can't believe I still want this after all that I've been through. FML!

On a brighter note, I celebrated Mother's Day with mom day after I got back from KL coz I was in KL during that weekend =/ *guilty* so lunch date with mama dearest it was!

bad lighting =/ but it wasn't burnt anyway haha. Lamb ribs-half slab.

ceasar salad.

Supermom and I!

Lets just wish for a better day tomorrow.

Devastated still..

I've never had so much obstacles at one point of time for such a long time already.

Usually it will be good things and misfortunes coming alternately but its been so long since the last time I felt everything feels so difficult and misfortunes keep attacking me. Wth.

I've been rather emotional since yesterday.

I would usually just rant and pour everything from my heart out to feel better but now when the worst happens..I really can't take it anymore.

I remember mentioning in my previous post that my grandmother was admitted to the hospital just a day or two before Chinese New Year and it was really really heart wrenching for me to see her being so weak and struggling so much to move due to stroke. Its her first time ever spending her time in the hospital ward during Chinese New Year and now she has left even before Chinese New Year has ended....

I still remember vividly few years back she was still healthy and strong even though she was already in her mid 80s and I only needed to hold her hands while walking her from one place to another may it be going out for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Then during one period of time she became so weak drastically. I had to hold her arms while walking her and I have to fully support her when she go up or down the staircase. She would need minutes to go up a few steps of stairs and she need to grab my arms tightly to support herself. Whenever we go out I would help her to get down from the car and then help her to get into the house. I was so worried that point of time and I used to ask my mom 'Why grandma has become so weak all of a sudden?' I was too worried that she will fall sick and gradually I could see that there were more and more things that she weren't able to do anymore :(

I was driving on Tuesday evening and I received a call from my mom. She was crying on the phone and told me the news. I totally went blank. I didn't what to do and which direction to go. I couldn't cry because I was working and I had to just control myself the whole time till the job was done. After that I was all tears. I was too devastated for not being able to say goodbye. I didn't even bid a proper farewell the last time I met her. She was resting and I didn't get the chance to.. T.T and I'm still crying like a child while typing this.

The funeral is on Saturday morning. I really really want to attend. I am really desperate to go back but I have mid term test on Friday. One paper at 8am and another one at 8.30pm. I have no idea how to get home by Saturday morning but I am really desperate to get back. I have asked around and even posted on Facebook. Yes I am really that desperate. But I still don't have any idea how am I able to get home on Friday night. Hopefully there will be a way.

Say NO to animal cruelty!

I can't believe its still a weekend. I'm hoping time will pass faster this week and it becomes slower next week. Hahahahaha.

I can't wait for the next weekend to come!

Oh ya! I watched a video from facebook a while ago, its such a mothafuckin brutal video!!!

I cursed non stop while watching and even after watching! Not only me but I'm sure anyone who watched it for sure would have cursed their lungs out.

There's this girl, she brought out a tiny rabbit from its cage and played with the rabbit as if its a fucking toy. The rabbit fell onto the ground from the table and she just casually picked it up and continued playing with it. And the next thing I knew she actually sat on the tiny rabbit! FUCK HER max! Then she used a thick glass piece and placed it on top of the rabbit and it couldn't escape! Then she SAT on that piece of glass WITH THE POOR RABBIT UNDERNEATH! HOLY SHIT! I don't know if she's mentally illed or what she must be insane! She was smiling all the way when she was sitting on the poor rabbit and crushing the rabbit's bones! wtfwtfwtf! Her whole body weight was on the piece of glass with the poor rabbit underneath. OMFG I don't get it why would she want to do that! The 'best' part was when the rabbit is flattened she actually FLIPPED THE RABBIT to another side and CONTINUED SITTING ON IT with the glass piece on top still! FUCK YOU BITCH! Here is the video if you're interested to watch.

Apart from the fucking bitch who's doing all these nonsense there are two other girls witnessing the whole process and the videoman as well. I don't think they are all mentally illed. Fuck that bitch man! She deserved to be jailed and deserve to be fucked with a fucking durian! I hope her pussy will rot and she will have parasites all over her pussy. Motherfucker. Their stupid brains must be located in their rectum!! How could they enjoy watching that bitch doing this to that poor little rabbit. I really can't take it its too heart wrenching! Thats the worst video ever! Don't they have mercy on that poor little rabbit? :(

p/s: sorry for being so vulgar I can't help it. Sigh.

I shall stop talking about that video already. Its too sickening.

Hmm..for few consecutive days I will automatically open my eyes at 9 am and its not something common for me because for those who know me well enough, I'm a horrible heavy sleeper. When I'm asleep all my 5 senses will shut including my ears! @.@

When I don't get enough sleep I will barely hear the alarm or I shall say alarmS.

That is why I need to always make sure I get at least 7 or 8 hours of sleep in order to prevent myself from not being able to wake up the following morning :(

Well most of the time I tend to forget about this heavy sleeping disease that I have and I would carelessly go to bed late.

Is there anything that could make me fall asleep better?

I don't like the feeling of not being able to fall asleep. Last night I spent an hour rolling on the bed before I could fall asleep.

Perhaps my insomnia is coming back. Not only insomnia, its actually my 'exam-period-disease'. I even had a nightmare!

Usually during exam period, insomnia and nightmares every night is something very common for me :(

When I get too stressed I'll even have diarrohea. Wtf.

The Power of Doughnuts!

Okay I'm not quite motivated to study right now.

But fortunately today is indeed a better day.

I'm blessed with wonderful friends.

From the ride to the clinic to doughnuts!

I really appreciate it a lot.

Thank you lovelies <3

So I was munching on doughnuts a moment ago and I gobbled them up so quickly haha!

Since there's no ice cream, doughnuts do good too to trigger my happy hormones.

Coco Loco and Alcapone!

Blissful much?

Coco Loco is so damn awesome! The chocolate sauce in the doughnut is so scarily generous! Its totally chocolaty in and out. VERY Orgasmic! I felt like drinking chocolate sauce more likely than eating a doughnut. The chocolate sauce kept oozing out in the box right after I took this picture coz I stole a bite before capturing XD and it dripped onto my notes as well while I was eating. =________='

I totally felt like a happy girl now! :)

p/s: I'm prone to get sugar rush o.0

xoxo,

Ciara

Of itchy hands and painful legs

Hello there.

I shall greet you with my legs this time =.=

Cute or not my swollen ankle?

The not so smooth surface on my left leg is caused by the bandage.wtf =[

And hello to another bruise =.='

My legs are in such a mess. GRR

In need a high dosage of this.

I am emotionally unstable.

Enough said =/

xoxo,

Ciara

I'm drenched in Vanilla Twilight

Currently listening to Vanilla Twilight by Owl City.

The lyrics are so beautiful and lovely..

Some of my favourite lines are "..the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly~" and "..as many times as I blink I'll think of you tonight~"

So sweeeeet <3

Listening to this made my day a lil.

Guess what I had a bad day again so don't blame me for ranting again :(

It all went good since I woke up during noon and started studying and I was surprisingly quite productive. So we decided to go for a jog today to cut off the massive calories we took last night and bad luck it is..I sprained my ankle =_____________=' The moment right after I heard the cracking sound from my ankle I fell flat sitting on the grass and my tears just kept oozing out T.T It was as pain as fuck okayyy.

But it isn't that bad now at least I still can walk slowly but go down the stairs, even a short flight of stairs, is able to make me curse like 3425083042037485 times because it hurts my ankle a lot.

It didn't end there yet! It rained so heavily when we were having dinner and we couldn't go back. We had to sit there for more than an hour till we finally gave up waiting and we decided to ask for help. Plus with my injured leg it'll take us forever to reach.

Luckily Yi Chien who's such an angel came to give us a ride back.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day! *cross fingers*

I've had enough of bad days. Its driving me crazy. Hope I'll get well soon too..boooohoooo :(

Enjoy the rest of the week y'all.

xoxo,

Ciara

Day 2

I had the most FML moment in my life.

Never ever this had happened to me. Guess there's always a first time for everything but this 'first time' is the last thing I ever wished that will happen.

I just can't believe how foolish I was and the state of depression I am in now, can't be expressed with words.

Wrong decisions are truly devastating.

There's no one I could blame. Its all my fault and I'm the only person that could help myself.

Seriously who on earth will let this happen to themselves?

Sitting here, stunned, still can't believe what I just did.

Feeling hopeless and stupid.

Feel like stabbing myself with a goddamn knife and shoot my head with a M16.

Even though the situation is not as horrible as it is seen but I just can't accept what happened. An hour an a half ago to be precise. The moment of panic, the moment of 'nothing-can-be-done' and the moment of disappointment. They strike so hard on me. And I'm still feeling it.

The impact is to big for me.

I'm not that easy going when it comes to this.

Its my priority and I'm ruining it.

Nothing comes before this and all the while it has been this way.

But.......................

Still stunned

Speechless.

Helpless.

FML

Short rants

I just had a soliloquy with S. WTF and FML.

I can't bear keeping things to myself and I'm so used to have her to listen everytime.

Seriously why do I keep feeling disrespected?

I just finished doing 'quizzes' bout an hour ago. Been working on it since like what 5pm? and its already 1am now. Its such a long day.

Time passes too slowly today. Just today because I always feel 24 hours is too little time for a day. It should be 36hours a day or something.

Again I shall continue with my assignment now.

Good night!

Bruno Mars

I've got a reminder to commemorate how things have come this far and how well things have become. Well its great that things manage to come this far but not all that came this far are still great. I wished things could stay the same.

On a brighter note I am much much emotionally stable now. Thank you for those who came looking for me randomly to check if i'm okay. I really felt so loved and being cared for. What do I do without you? Seriously.

I'm just an ordinary girl who needs attention, respect, to feel loved and of course to be loved. I'm just an ordinary girl who dreams to be somebody's princess like every other girl.

Who doesn't?

I am not the kind that can bear not having attention from the people that I want attention from. Scary much? Hopefully if you're reading this you won't think "Thank gawd I'm not one of them". Nahh but I totally won't bitch about it and I won't behave like a bitchy 'LOA'. I will stay cool haha.

I've been listening to Bruno Mars for the past 4 hours. Its too addictive. I'm totally the kind that will keep looping the same few songs again and again for the longest time ever if I'm in love with that few songs or that one particular song. It doesn't make me bored. I just love repeating it.

I was totally flattered today someone stared at me with dreamy eyes. ROFLMAO. Perasan max. *smacks own forehead*

Have a great week ahead people!

Gotta carry on with my workload which is piling up like a tower.

For the very very very first time ever I actually feel good to be busy.

Weird.

Toodles!xoxo

The Bright Monday

When everyone says 'Monday Blues', to my surprise this Monday of mine is actually quite a good day for me! Monday is finally treating me well? Haha.

I'm so damn relieved that my research paper is finally completed and all of a sudden everything just feels right. Psychology huh?

Today I finally felt that I finally have my own time to do thing that I wanted to do like taking my own sweet time to jog, spend hours for dinner and even watch a movie in my room which I have not been doing these for quite some time.

Anyway this week is Sushi King's members' week! We're gonna gobble up loads of sushi together tomorrow I can't wait! It will be our second time doing this together :D Thinking about smoked salmon makes me drool like a greedy dog =.='

This was what happened during the last Sushi Bonanza

On a random note, there was a humongous lizard in our room just now and it was moving so quickly! My roommate and I were screaming our lungs out [opps *blushing*] and damn now its no where to be soon. I hope it's already out of our room :( On the bright note we're now all calm and singing to ourselves already LOL.

Yesterday was 10th of October 2010 which makes the date looked so special 10.10.10 and I see a lot bloggers blogged about it. Even Babygirl Hani made a real interesting post from it and she looked so cute and 'chinese' with her straight hair back in 2006 ahax :D but one person told me, "if you look at this date from another point of view there's really nothing so special about it because a lot claimed that it's only gonna happen once in our lifetime...but all the other days are the same too they will never repeat and we will go through all days only once in our lifetime too" haha got me really speechless for how critical this person can be but its true. So yeah we seriously gotta appreciate whatever that come and go in our life coz things are hardly gonna repeat in life. Even if they do it might not be the same anymore.

You know you don't need to be told that you're not forgotten all the time to see that you're actually being forgotten or not. You should know deep down whether you're really forgotten. Getting upset all the time just because you don't like to hear what you hear and being too pessimistic will deteriorate a lot of things in life. This does not only apply to love but it applies to a lot of aspects in live. Being too sensitive over what people say to you or say about you is not good. Well everyone knows that but most of them tend to forget. Why let yourself to only gain confidence from other people?

Paintball or Painball?

I think guys are the most horrible species ever. They claimed that they are easy but in fact they are not. They say girls are difficult but they are way more complicated than girls. They want more they want it perfect and they want everything to go their way! There is no such thing as 'perfect' okay. They all want a dog, a slave and a voice recorder!

Its difficult to act the way others want it and not being yourself. Its difficult to pretend that things are okay when you yourself are not exactly feeling comfortable with the things that are actually happening. Its horrible to always be left doubtful, feelings unexpressed and words unspoken.

Distraught.

Its been so long since I last put up such an emotional post here. I am now less expressive compared to the times I remember when I started blogging where most of my words were my silly rants with vulgar words and screams of joy for the smallest jolly thing that happened in my daily life. Yeah.

Anyway back to the topic. I went for paintball yesterday back in Silibin, Ipoh. It was my first time and undeniable its really really fun when it gets more challenging after a few first trial rounds minus the hot sun and the sweat. Its really about accuracy, the skills to hide yourself and speed! I used to love outdoors but as soon as I left school I did not really go for anymore outdoor activities except swimming and jogging which most of the time is not with my friends. Paintball is definitely what we should do when everyone is back! The more the merrier seriously! I was so excited that I went for paintball till I had to Ping! S about it haha. Can't wait for her to be back!

Its Painball more like it yeah?